The Bobby Classifieds

For sale

2012-02-02T08:22:00.000-05:00

Used video games

Retirement Home: Visitor's Day
Busboy
Paper Football 1992
Honey, I Mailed The Kids: The Video Game
Fireanthillbusters 2
Prison Cafeteria Live

$5 each
Greg 555-0081

For rent

2012-02-01T00:46:00.003-05:00

Pillow

* Close proximity to mud road 7
* Used in the filming of the reality TV show Pillow Fight: Final Challenge

$3/half hour
Ayanna 555-8711

Announcements

2012-01-31T22:48:00.000-05:00

The sandpaper-eating contest has been moved to February 25 in the East Annex, Plumptin.

All competitors please bring your celery helmet, cup of leaves and a drawing of a piece of bread.

- TBC staff

Meetings

2012-01-31T01:44:00.004-05:00

Stop & Stay Convenience Store
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Please stop accepting hub caps as currency
* What happened after Veronica tried to microwave the bottle of soda
* We do not have a give a penny take a case of motor oil tray

February 2, 10:00 a.m.

Services

2012-01-30T14:21:00.003-05:00

Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's squeeze the crazy out of you"

* Fear of a clothed elephant
* Making a quiche out of a molehill
* The voices inside your soup
* Fear of drowning in a small puddle
* Excessive stapling
* "I hate my daughter's laugh"
* I'm nervous around ice cubes
* Fear of harmonizing shampoo bottles

Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-0119

For sale

2012-01-29T14:27:00.000-05:00

Couch

* Brand-new
* Plenty of character/fire ants

$300
Kent 555-2332

Help wanted

2012-01-28T19:19:00.000-05:00

Need help paying my cab fare

* $34.70 owed
* I'm on the sidewalk in front of the Beefy's Fast Food Hut, downtown Kaynesport
* Cherry air freshener free with purchase

Hurry, many interested
Jerry 555-2291

Meetings

2012-01-27T11:24:00.000-05:00

The Refrigerator Club
February meeting

Items to discuss:

- Why the pilot for the reality show Get My Grandpa Out Of That Refrigerator! wasn't picked up
- Potato chips do not need to be refrigerated
- 1st annual Refrigerator Races: how do we get started?

February 5, 7:00 p.m. at Tamika and Joe's town house

** Randy's Ice Cube Museum vacation slide show: 9:00 p.m., garage refrigerator **

For sale

2012-01-26T09:40:00.000-05:00

Reality TV on DVD

Brush My Teeth! - Season 3
Lemonade Stand - Season 1
Whose Hair Won't Catch On Fire?! - Final season w/deleted scenes
Microwave Swap - Seasons 4 & 5
Will Anyone Date My Brother? - First season
Watch Me Eat Acorns - Season 2

$6 each
Miranda 555-7551

For sale

2012-01-25T14:35:00.000-05:00

Couch

* White w/tree branches
* Sat on by Alvin Lawrence (May, 2010)
* Interesting trades for couch cushions considered

$40
Kent 555-2332

Obituary

2012-01-24T16:11:00.000-05:00

Clarence Pershack
1921-2012

A long-time penguin runner in the black market mammal trade, Mr. Pershack died suddenly, Monday morning when he was trapped in his refrigerator and later perished in the vegetable crisper. A member of a number of political activist groups, including S.O.E.S. (separation of ear and sandwich), he helped organize the 1987 Brance County tree house boycotts and the 2002 omelet riots after the publicized police beatings of a carton of free-range. He is survived by a desk lamp and his imaginary psychologist, Dr. Rudolph.

Funeral services are scheduled for January 28 at 5:00 p.m., then we're headed to McCaffertys for trivia.

For sale

2012-01-23T13:18:00.003-05:00

Movies on VHS

To be Engaged to a Mockingbird
Almost Earless
Things We Lost in the Gravy
Karate Hippo 3
Arthritic Elbow of a Salesman
Rodney and the Envelope Factory

$4 each
Samantha 555-4337

Missing pet

2012-01-22T12:55:00.003-05:00

Our beloved armadillo, Jake, ran away Saturday. He's gray and loves to dig, but can't see in front of his nose. He's at blind as a hippo. We're worried and we need our pal to come home and get under the couch where he belongs.

Reward: week's worth of armadillo food.

The Lindemans 555-8822

Services

2012-01-22T09:49:00.001-05:00

Need your socks filled with sawdust?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

Openings

2012-01-21T16:10:00.001-05:00

Raheem's Jellybeans
Grand opening!

Exciting new flavors:

* Toast
* Brandon Toe
* Peas & Carrots
* Leaves
* Horse Breath
* Baked Beans
* Bandaid
* Grandma Slipper

Raheem's - 220 Orwin Blvd., Plumptin

Meetings

2012-01-20T21:04:00.001-05:00

Men Without Socks
January meeting

Items to discuss:

* What happened to all of our socks?
* Why sheets of lasagna are not adequate substitutes
* Last Saturday's square dance with the Women Without Teeth: what went wrong
* Please welcome our 2012 honorary member, Carl Percy: the man without ankles

January 21, 6:00 p.m. at the Qwerce Country Club, Kaynesport

For sale

2012-01-20T10:28:00.000-05:00

Bulk fortune cookie messages

"You will find happiness with a new clump of mud"
"I hope you didn't order the beef fried rice"
"The air is low on your back left tire"
"D'Quantavius is not a name"
"A chance encounter with an ice cube will bring you luck"
"You have some wonton noodle in your hair"
"The small child next to you sneezed on the menu. We watched her do it"

Call for pricing list
Grinning Wok 555-8911

Meetings

2012-01-19T13:03:00.000-05:00

Boristown High School yearbook staff
January meeting

On the agenda:

* "Weakest arms" and "ugliest sister" are not senior superlatives
* Vice principal Morris' toupee will not have its own page
* No matter how many photos they send, there's no such thing as The Keg Stand Club

January 20, 10:00 a.m. in media center

For sale

2012-01-18T16:41:00.000-05:00

Mattress

* Brand-new
* Conveniently located in the woods
* Used in the filming of the 2010 reality TV show Will Anyone Go On A Date With My Step-Dad?

$2
Ben 555-4501

Award winner

2012-01-18T10:22:00.000-05:00

2012 Build Your Dream House: 11th place

Congratulations to Horace, Vanessa, D'Keeshawn and the rest of the team.

- D. Morris

For sale

2012-01-17T18:52:00.000-05:00

Documentaries on VHS

* "Hair conditioner drinking contest: 2006 nationals"
* "Waiter, there's a pair of socks in my soup: the closing of Capeechio's"
* "Let's get the Weavers a front door" (part 1)
* "The door doesn't fit" (part 2)
* "The Weavers moved" (part 3)
* "Following around my friend, Barry"

$6 each
Craig 555-9223

Husband for rent

2012-01-16T17:03:00.000-05:00

Marty
Age: 47

Achievements:

* Extra in the 1998 film Things We Lost In The Baked Beans
* Ate Plumptin County record 17 tree branches (May, 1987)
* Voted "best car" in high school yearbook (June, 1993)
* Can fit three potatoes in his mouth at once
* Recently coached the Mariners youth softball team to a 5-5-2 record

$7/hour
Bethany 555-0126

** Hurry, Eleanor is interested **

For sale

2012-01-15T09:13:00.000-05:00

I've received a number of ransom notes over the years and I'm finally selling some of my most valuable at bargain prices.

-"Bring to the place all your salami in unmarked, non-consecutive pieces of rye"
-"I have your mailbox flag"
-"I ran out of letters. Leave three magazines at 417 Hickory"
-"We have your napkin. If you ever want to get that spicy mustard from the corner of your mouth, meet by the dock, 9:00 p.m."
-"Give me back my ransom note"

Call for pricing list
Max 555-8710

Announcement

2012-01-14T13:02:00.000-05:00

Want to impress the opossumless sects? Get up at the crack of John in spinach shorts and stop wash and runny nose until you hear a horrorattack.

"Jockeying is the wonking of the new aluminum."

- Ernie

Car for sale

2012-01-13T19:49:00.000-05:00

1983 Sherman ZE

* 266,000 miles
* Tires sold separately
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Who Won't Drown?!
* Green bucket free with purchase

$83
Maurice 555-1988

Meetings

2012-01-12T09:19:00.000-05:00

The Hair Cut - Store #42
Hair stylists meeting

Items to discuss:

* Offering the customers their old hair as opposed to a lollypop was not on the training video
* Please do not allow anyone to pay for their haircut in sea shells
* If a customer is holding a stopwatch while another is drinking shampoo, something went wrong with the haircut

January 13, 10:00 a.m.

Public Service Announcement

2012-01-11T11:13:00.000-05:00

Talk to your toilet before it turns to a life in the woods.

Hotline: 555-2991

For sale

2012-01-10T14:10:00.000-05:00

Goldfish

* Orange
* Won at the "Guess That Odor" booth at the Kaynesport County Fair (December 28, 2011)
* Used in the filming of Rosa's 2011 music video for the hit song You Give Goldfish A Bad Name

$2
Horace 555-4771

** Ask about our water/plastic bag program **

Services

2012-01-10T08:19:00.000-05:00

Need Christmas trees eaten?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

Opportunities

2012-01-09T21:37:00.000-05:00

All-you-can-eat feathers

* For a limited time *

Bryson 555-6100

Meetings

2012-01-09T12:43:00.000-05:00

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #226
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The secret sauce does not include cigarette ash
* Please stop accepting airplane bottles of rum in exchange for chicken fingers
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of concerned looks, Patricia Henley
* There is no such thing as a wearing shorts tax

January 10, 9:30 a.m.

For sale

2012-01-08T14:05:00.000-05:00

Reality TV on DVD

Sardine Shop - Season 2
Are You Dumber Than Wally? - Full series
Get Me Out Of This Bathtub! - Season 4
Watch Me Eat Crackers - Final season w/deleted scenes
We're Living In An Above-Ground Pool! - Season 5

$8 each
Javontae 555-4817

For rent

2012-01-07T08:40:00.000-05:00

Small block of ice

$5/hour
Harold 555-3443

Destinations

2012-01-06T15:25:00.000-05:00

Kaynesport Historical Society announces its newest addition: the world's first seesaw.

Call 555-4419 for tour schedules

For sale

2012-01-05T17:27:00.000-05:00

Ant litter

- Pure-bred
- Black and fire
- Farms/hills available

Call for pricing list
Jenny & Garret 555-6117

* We also have 700 sets of twins and we don't want to separate them (inquire within)

For sale

2012-01-05T07:33:00.000-05:00

Movies on DVD

Catch A Sinus Infection If You Can
The Girl With The Gas Pump Tattoo
Overflowing Bathtub At Bernie's
Throw That's Guy's Luggage From The Train
The Greatest Customer Ever Put On Hold

$4 each
Mike 555-2339

For sale

2012-01-04T16:11:00.000-05:00

Used play scripts

Little Shop of Cold Medicine
Eggplant!
A Midsummer Night's Sneeze
The Phantom of the Middle School Football Booster Club Meeting
Combover of a Salesman

$5 each
Wendy 555-7588

Child for sale

2012-01-03T11:46:00.000-05:00

Derrick
Age: 7

Pluses: Has third-grade connections.
Minuses: Doesn't know the capital of anywhere; picked his ear, ate it (July, 2009); left his jacket at school last Tuesday.
Favorite food: Chocolate syrup and cauliflower in a bowl of warm water.
Sleeps: About an hour per night on the kitchen counter.
What he wants to be when he grows up: A crime-fighting eggplant.

$700
Beth & Troy 555-9112

* Interesting trades for pure-bred dachshunds considered *

Meetings

2012-01-02T15:13:00.001-05:00

Clock Watcher's Society - Plumptin chapter
January meeting

On the agenda:

* October 6, 2011, 4:40 p.m: a retrospective
* The record release party for Sandra's new album I Got The Quarter After Seven Blues has been moved to February 10th
* When is it going to be 11:15?

January 4, 1:00 p.m. at headquarters

For sale

2012-01-02T13:29:00.000-05:00

Pine cone sandwich

* Fresh
* Comes with one additional pine cone
* Interesting trades for mud salads considered

$2
Ivan 555-8111

Obituary

2012-01-01T15:39:00.000-05:00

Orange
2011-2012

* Sold for $.49 (December, 2011)
* Extra in hit reality TV show Fruit Stand

"One of the last true oranges of its generation"

Viewing: January 3 from 10:00 a.m.-11:30 a.m. at Kaynesport Funeral Home

For sale

2012-01-01T10:07:00.000-05:00

1/2 plate of scrambled eggs

$2
Trent 555-3241

** Call in the next 45 minutes and receive a free piece of toast **

Meetings

2011-12-31T18:45:00.000-05:00

Kaynesport High School boy's basketball
Team meeting

On the agenda:

* No matter how cold it is in the gym, you're not allowed to wear snow suits on the court during games
* Throwing sandwich meat at the referee from the bench is not a proper response to a foul call
* Q&A: who is supplying the sandwich meat?
* Why we can only have six or more players on the court at once during practice

January 2, 11:00 a.m. in the auxiliary gym

Services

2011-12-31T06:04:00.000-05:00

Need to knock on a door?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

2011-12-30T14:19:00.000-05:00

VHS movies

The Greatest Hoagie Roll to Ever Mold
Scotch Tapes of Wrath
Desperately Seeking Dental Floss
Arm Rest of the Opera

$4 each
Gwen 555-6681

Meetings

2011-12-29T21:12:00.001-05:00

Plumptin Referee's Association
Post-season meeting

Items to discuss:

* Penalty flags are not edible no matter how long you grill them
* For next season, please put your microphone & belt on after your pants
* The following were called in 2011 and are not penalties: "illegal nose on the face" and "too many blades of grass on the field"

December 30, 2:00 p.m. at PCRA headquarters

For sale

2011-12-28T17:17:00.000-05:00

Santa beard

- White w/honey mustard dressing
- Used in the filming of the holiday reality TV show Help, I Married A Mall Santa!

$8
Chuck 555-7791

* Hurry, Trevor is interested

Events

2011-12-28T07:48:00.000-05:00

Meet Barry!

January 4 from 1:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. in front of Pond 7.

* Barry will be splashing water on children, kicking mud at the elderly and autographing 8 1/2-11 photographs *

Public Service Announcement

2011-12-27T16:50:00.000-05:00

Sofas shouldn't be caged.

Help us free the Kaynesport couch hostages.

Call 555-3381 for more information

For sale

2011-12-26T09:31:00.001-05:00

Discount Christmas items

* Tree

- Bottom right corner currently on fire, but it should be out soon

* Photos of Santa Claus

- Asleep with ants crawling in his beard
- Santa vs. Grandma arm wrestling, semi finals (6 photos)

* Christmas DVDs

Videos

- Do They Know It's Actually Almost Valentine's Day At All?
- Waiter, There's An Elf Ear In My Soup: The Closing Of Shanahan's Bar & Grill

CD singles

- O' Holey Socks - The Pool Boys
- Santa, Bring My Firewood Back To Me - Leanette Wodley
- Whose Baby Daddy Is This? - Lil' Pipsqueak

Call for pricing list
Harriet & Toby 555-4682

Events

2011-12-25T15:04:00.000-05:00

It's the 27th annual Peggy Cliff holiday concert!

Get your tickets now:

Reserved seating: $75
Lettuce pit: $40
Wheelbarrow rentals (general admission): $5

Peggy will be singing all of her hits:

* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone"
* "Ya'll Can Keep 'Em (My Two Front Teeth)"
* "(Countin' On) Pigeon Folk"
* "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like January"
* "There Used To Be A Bald Spot"
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Trevor's Mommy"

December 30, 7:00 p.m. at Plumptin Arena
Box office: 555-4493

For sale

2011-12-24T16:26:00.001-05:00

Driveway

* Gravel
* Close proximity to the mailbox
* Starred in the 2007 film Snow Shoveling A Tiffany's

$600 for entire driveway
Tiffany 555-2866

Announcements

2011-12-23T10:10:00.000-05:00

Kaynesport Aeros basketball
Additions to the 2011-2012 promotional calendar

January 7 - Couch Cushion Night
January 28 - Throw tangerines at the owner's son
February 4 - Bowl of oatmeal (first 5,000 fans)
February 6 - Window Night
March 11 - Stray cat (first 2,500 fans 14-under)
April 1 - Phonebook Day

For tickets, call 555-3301

For sale

2011-12-22T17:43:00.000-05:00

Bag

* Once held celery
* Plenty of character
* Used in the filming of the 2011 documentary There's A Bag On Jerry's Head

$1.50
Claire & Jerry 555-6117

For sale

2011-12-22T15:23:00.000-05:00

Documentaries on DVD

* Gimme A Glass of Water (Forehead, Live at Kaynesport Amphitheater, 6/7/03)
* Why is that Man Screaming at that Oak Tree?
* Earburgers: The Closing of Vinny's Fast Food Palace

$6 each
Giovante 555-2000

Help wanted

2011-12-21T16:01:00.000-05:00

I need to pay for my haircut.

I'm at Henry's Hair on 18th Street in Kaynesport, sitting in chair 3. I'll be pointing at my head.

* $12 + tip owed
* Free hair with purchase

$15 or best offer
Kurt 555-2323

Obituary

2011-12-21T12:35:00.000-05:00

Henry Klepp
1928-2011

The founding member of the political activist groups S.O.C.A.F. (separation of cola and ant farm) and RCTN (Rodney, Cut Your Toe Nails!), Henry died doing what he loved: vacuuming the inside of his mailbox. In 1985, he opened a dresser drawer for under-privileged turtlenecks, and in 1997 successfully lobbied to have all of the roofs in his hometown of Plumptin removed. Played clarinet in the musical quartet Mashed Potato Face and the group played their final show in April, 1977 at a benefit to help raise awareness of mud.

Funeral services are set for Friday at 4:00 p.m., then it's off to Amigo's for $1 tequila shot night.

Meetings

2011-12-20T07:31:00.000-05:00

Mayo King Fast Food - Store #42
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* A customer's shoe is not an acceptable place for to-go food
* We're turning off the jalapeno frier until we find Hillary's finger
* There's no such thing as a wearing a jacket tax

December 22, 10:00 a.m.

Meetings

2011-12-19T09:37:00.002-05:00

What the Book? reading group
Winter meeting

Books to discuss:

* What To Expect When You're Expecting Ear Hair - Ed. Simon Paul
* Championship Prison Swim Teams - Chocolate House Publishing
* You Can't Take These Leaves With You - Barbara Sherner
* Devil Wears Braces - Nadine Cooper
* To Staple Things To A Mockingbird - Henry Raulston

December 21, 7:00 p.m. at Dale's house

For sale

2011-12-18T13:51:00.000-05:00

Empty ketchup packet collection

* Over 500
* Comes with some free ketchup
* Interesting trades for unopened ketchup packets considered

Entire collection or individual packets available
Kent 555-6117

For rent

2011-12-17T15:23:00.001-05:00

Used protest signs

"Support hair in local arm pits"
"Get your cat out of my mailbox!"
"Stop burying lettuce in my front lawn"
"Cooper High: give us back our cafeteria worker"!
"Guns don't kill people, drinking upholstery cleaner kills people"
"My shoulder hurts!"

Each sign $2/hour
Kathy 555-1081

For sale

2011-12-16T20:17:00.000-05:00

Christmas lights

- One strand
- Comes with building & vintage hand truck
- Used in the filming of the 2011 documentary How to Make Snowman Soup with Jerry Mingus
- Chair sold separately

$25
Rick 555-5853

* Hurry, many interested *

For sale

2011-12-16T13:08:00.000-05:00

Ernie Malcolm autographed bread

$70
Dante 555-8810

Meetings

2011-12-15T08:04:00.000-05:00

Soup Shack
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please stop accepting empty beer cans as currency
* Hot dog bun soup has been taken off the menu
* The customers are not allowed to trade cigarettes for extra crackers

December 17, 10:00 a.m.

For sale

2011-12-14T10:45:00.001-05:00

Green beans

$.40 each or all three for $1
Garrett 555-4182

** Hurry, Barry is interested **

Meetings

2011-12-13T21:02:00.000-05:00

Kaynesport Church
Parish meeting

On the agenda:

* Despite what former organist Mitch Kershaw might've told you, our January 8 musical program will not be "all nude"
* We can not replace the holy water with spicy mustard
* Our Christmas Eve Santa vs. Jesus wrestling match has been postponed

December 22, 7:00 p.m.

For sale

2011-12-13T15:45:00.000-05:00

Reality TV on DVD

* We're Living in a Coleslaw Pit! - Final season
* Bag Boys: Sacramento
* Online Bowling With the Stars - Season 3
* Grandma Swap - Seasons 2 & 3
* America's Got Cold Sores - Complete series
* My Feet Hurt! - Season 1
* Get Me Out of this Washing Machine! - Season 4 (w/deleted scenes)

$10 each
Vanessa 555-3425

Events

2011-12-12T22:44:00.000-05:00

The Plumptin County Music Festival is back!
February 1-4, 2012

"BYOS: bring your own socks."

Musical acts scheduled to appear:

* Forehead
* Peanut Butter Face
* Acorn
* Pinching Christopher
* The Peggy Cliff All-Stars
* Behind the Refrigerator
* Lil' Pipsqueak

Special events:

- Staple things to Lyle Peterson booth
- Coleslaw dunk tank
- Goldfish marriage ceremonies
- Penny-eating contest

For tickets call the Plumptin County Fairgrounds - 555-2201

Services

2011-12-11T14:12:00.001-05:00

Door-to-door door salesman

"Get the door, it's a door."

* Also available for sale:

- Other door-to-door door salesmen
- Copies of the best-selling book The Idiot's Guide To Letting People Inside Your House
- Lettuce

* I also starred in the hit play Door Bell Ring of a Salesman (Fall, 1991)

Pete 555-5733

Meetings

2011-12-10T16:19:00.000-05:00

Kaynesport Carolers
Emergency Meeting

On the agenda:

- "All I want removed for Christmas is my ex-husband's two front teeth" has been added to the set list
- Whoever has been stealing door knobs, please come clean
- There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for wine coolers

December 10, 9:00 a.m. at headquarters

For rent

2011-12-09T11:21:00.000-05:00

Sock

* White
* One hole (right big toe)
* Starred in the award-winning, 2009 film Things We Lost In The Potato Salad

$1.50/hour
Bernie 555-9117

Casting call

2011-12-08T17:46:00.000-05:00

Feathers Playhouse is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Desk Chair on the Roof

* Half-ear Earl
* Sawdust salesman Ronnie Clyde
* Sylvester the talking toothbrush of wisdom
* Lettuce Boy/Lettuce boy alter-ego Peyton Jones
* Sneezes the Clown
* Evil Janice
* Security guard, mud pit 3
* Beverly the break dancing zucchini

** We're also looking for actors to play the parts of David and Goliath, but in hippo costumes **

Auditions are December 11 from 10:00 a.m. until 4:00 p.m. at Feathers Playhouse - 414 Ebeneezer Crossing, East Plumptin

Personal ads

2011-12-07T15:47:00.002-05:00

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

SBM, age 32. I've got my ex-wife's name tattooed on my right arm. Her name is Bobby.

Looking for a woman, or man, named Bobby.

Charles box 40029

Let's make a me sandwich. You bring a sorority sister or two, I'll bring the giant onions.

Moe box 72346

Former toupee model with the heart of a goldfish.

Marty box 20007

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

I've had several relationships end near the women's restroom at Bert's Buffet.

Looking for a man who doesn't work at Bert's Buffet.

Claire box 88117

Let's get together and start a family (of otters).

Vanessa box 90906

I need a ride to the hair salon.

Deidra box 66700

OTHER

Single, brown chocolate bar, Melting.

Randy box 51556

Public Service Announcement

2011-12-06T08:50:00.000-05:00

Help prevent young bread rolls from turning to a life on the streets.

Call 555-5051 to find out how you can help

Apartment for rent

2011-12-05T10:34:00.001-05:00

1/3 STUDIO
1 BATHROOM MIRROR
1/2 SINK

* Three eggs in refrigerator free with rental agreement
* Toilet removed August, 2011
* Apartment used in the filming of the 2008 documentary Here Comes The Exterminator

$105/month
Reggie 555-7363

Announcements

2011-12-04T16:12:00.000-05:00

Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce
Prop bills to be voted on December 5

83 - Legality of deodorant on toast
106 - Separate by equal: living room furniture
180 - Wearing a poncho into the shower
247 - Eliminate the letter R from all restaurant menus
260 - Ban same-sex Christmas caroling
449 - "No" to pave the bottom of the Peterson's upstairs bathtub

Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce - 425 Lyle Sherwood Lane, downtown

Personal ad

2011-12-03T22:51:00.001-05:00

SGK, age 1. Looking for a companion; doesn't necessarily have to be a member of the grasshopper family, but must be cone-headed.

* Have my own place in a luxurious, downtown thicket
* Member of the acapella group Treble Cliffs

Cliff box 10277

For sale

2011-12-03T15:53:00.002-05:00

Sneaker

* White w/barbecue sauce stains
* Other sneaker sold separately
* Used in the filming of the reality TV show Grocery Store Manager's Wives

$4
Bernie 555-9117

** Comes with one free sock **

Services

2011-12-02T16:46:00.002-05:00

Joe Maglio robot assistants now available!

Joe Maglio 555-9995

Help wanted

2011-12-02T12:43:00.001-05:00

I need someone who can talk an old lady out of a mud pile.

Must own either a fishing pole or rope and have things of value to trade for mud.

Hank 555-4014

Meetings

2011-12-01T12:07:00.000-05:00

Friends of Mitch Richley
December meeting

Items to discuss:

* Who is driving Mitch's mother Harriet to her lip waxing, January 3?
* MitchCon '11: what happened after the rooster drowned in the shampoo dunk tank
* Review of Mitch's new book Nostrilympics
* FMR Flashback: February 11, 2008, the day we met Rich Mitchley

December 7, 6:00 p.m. at Trevor's house

Special offer

2011-12-01T01:49:00.000-05:00

Volume 5 of the Idiot's Guide books are now available!

You'll get:

* Wall clock
* Rain puddles
* Glossaries
* Comb
* Mustard packet
* Belt
* Dry erase board
* Windows

Eight full instructional books for the low price of $149.99
Chocolate House Publishing 555-3391

For sale

2011-11-30T21:33:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving turkey pieces

* Rare *

Call for pricing list
Beverly 555-8811

Missing

2011-11-30T00:09:00.000-05:00

Our beloved piece of lettuce has gone missing

* Green
* Last seen Monday on the counter
* Reward crouton offered

[Photograph aged one day]

Bianca & Chris 555-6515

Events

2011-11-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

Winter 2011 additions to event calendar at Blast! Cola Arena

December 4 - Jewelry Keepers
December 11 - Bryce & Henry sing the football scores
December 19 - Tap-dancing Santa Clauses
December 29 - Countdown to New Years

2012 Concert Series

January 7: Scrambled Eggs
January 24: Innocent Until Proven Funky
February 9: Peanut Butter Face
February 18-19: Forehead

For tickets call 555-2343 or visit the arena box office

Services

2011-11-28T11:28:00.000-05:00

Courier service

"I'll transport anything."

* Ant farms
* Goldfish bowls (with or without goldfish)
* Elderly men named Lester
* Houseplants
* Secret government eggplant
* Bags of leaves (maximum four at a time)
* Photographs of other taxis
* Sealed containers of:

- Sneezes
- Air
- Sunflower seed shells

Steve 555-7174

Services

2011-11-27T13:45:00.000-05:00

Need some turkey eaten?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

2011-11-26T17:52:00.000-05:00

Vinyl record singles

* Unhappy (Glued) Together - The Squirrels
* First Time Ever I Saw Inside Your Nose - Daneeta Grace
* I Saw Mommy Kissing Five Santa Clauses - Peggy Cliff
* I'll Never Fall In Mud Again - Forehead
* I Want To Sand Your Hand - Behind the Refrigerator
* Stairway To Parking Garage - Rory Vincent Band

$5 each
Buck 555-4393

For sale

2011-11-26T13:12:00.000-05:00

Wristwatch

* Missing the 6 and minute hand
* Used in the filming of the 2010 documentary What Time Is It?

$15
Bobby 555-2323

Announcements

2011-11-25T09:09:00.000-05:00

Ernie County Vipers Basketball
Additions to promotional calendar

November 30 - Kick Cabbage at the Owner's Cat
December 8 - Toast Day
December 20 - Toss Peanut Shells into the Bullpen
February 16 - Knee Brace (first 5,000 fans 50 and over)
March 9 - Cabinet Door Night

Tickets - 555-5981

For sale

2011-11-24T17:09:00.000-05:00

Used books

Tale Of Two Sock Holes - Niles Wayne
What To Expect When You're Expecting Mail - Ed. Bernice Clifford
The Girl With The Washing Machine Tattoo - Percy Vernon
Idiot's Guide To Ant Farms - Chocolate House Publishing

$6 each
Sarah 555-7722

Meetings

2011-11-23T11:08:00.000-05:00

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Winter '11 meeting

Items to discuss:

* Our fall formal, "Dancing Under The Stairs": what went wrong
* The lost and found is not for chewed gun found under the stairs
* Our field trip to Andrea's elementary school cafeteria has been moved to January 4

November 25, 4:00 p.m.

Missing

2011-11-22T13:04:00.001-05:00

Hot dog

[Photo taken November 18]

* Reddish-brown
* Last seen Sunday near the stove
* We're very worried, he hasn't been away from the refrigerator since we brought him and his family home from the grocery store
* Reward $$ offered

Gail and Marty 555-7882

For sale

2011-11-22T08:44:00.000-05:00

Photograph collection

Thousands of pictures, including:

* Glenn asleep with corn chips in his nose
* "Ant Hill III."
* 2009 Kaynesport Aztecs little league team photo (missing Zach Lacy, 2B)
* Unidentified blue thing
* Grape
* Martin's wedding toast (w/pants zipper down and two cocktail shrimp tails in hair)
* Carpet stain in shape of thin Santa Claus (RARE)
* "Bowl of milk: after the cereal"

Individual photos or entire collection available
Lisa 555-8337

Events

2011-11-21T13:31:00.000-05:00

Semi-pro competitive eating
Additions to 2011-2012 schedule

* All competitions at Plumptin Arena *

November 30 - Styrofoam
December 19 - Socks
January 13 - File folder
January 27 - Puddle water
February 3 - Baseball infield dirt
February 22 - Carpet
March 10 - Bird nest

To register call 555-2291

For sale

2011-11-20T10:44:00.002-05:00

Leftovers

Lots of items for sale:

* Lettuce pieces (6)
* Brown stuff
* 1/2 apple (some browning, but still good)
* Tupperware of expired mayonnaise

Sunday specials available for a limited time:

- One slice of white bread
- Refrigerator for sale (inquire within)

(side view, taken November 18, 2011)

Call for pricing list
Ahmad 555-6177

Services

2011-11-19T14:27:00.000-05:00

Advice man for hire

* Taking a push broom into the shower
* A cat doesn't need to be taken necktie shopping
* Don't put french fries in your tea
* How many leaves eaten is too many leaves eaten?
* "I swallowed several light bulbs, what do I do now?"
* Don't paint your house with ketchup
* There's no reason to wear a helmet and armor to the nail salon
* Where does she think she's going?
* Don't wash your car with grapefruit juice

Call for rates and availability
Kenneth 555-4029

For sale

2011-11-19T08:17:00.001-05:00

Artichoke juice

* Just wheelbarrowed in from down the street
* Well-known aphrodisiac

$4/gallon or $.75 for drop on tongue
Tommy 555-4669

Meetings

2011-11-18T15:30:00.000-05:00

Plumptin Times
Editorial meeting

On the agenda:

* Our obituary page is not for dress shoes that had the heel broken off
* No matter how many times they call looking for coverage and send us photographs, sneezing is not a sport
* The religion section will not be replaced by a daily pictorial tribute to the hot dog

November 21, 1:00 p.m.

Events

2011-11-17T13:44:00.000-05:00

The 1st annual Kaynesport Film Festival is almost here!

Films to be screened:

Things We Lost in the Sauerkraut
Catch Poison Ivy If You Can
All the President's Hens
Throw Momma's Orthopedic Back Pillow from the Train
Indigestion of a Salesman
Garden Snakes of Wrath
The Greatest Scrambled Eggs To Ever Go Cold

Plus, the newest documentary film from director Claus Percy:

Lady at a Film Festival

November 26 at the Derwood Filmhouse - 2323 Feather Blvd., Kaynesport